The Dawn Of Autumn

Note: Check out Autumn Festival, the sequel to this story, on Spillwords Press

It shouldn’t surprise me anymore, but I couldn’t help myself. Winter came early in Autumn. The wind was whistling and gusts assailed my body, even through the shut windows. Instead of warm sunbeams hitting the foot of my bed like in September, my room was dark to the point of near-invisibility. Timely as usual, the household heaters decided not to work on the coldest of mornings.

It does sound crass to criticize cold weather one week before Thanksgiving. But the heat from September, Halloween and even a few days ago made it seem like summer was still beginning to wind down. Global warming? Let the politicians fight over that one.

While mother nature howled outside my window, I was chaired up at my desk, tepid coffee by my side, with an empty sheet of paper studying me; menacingly. I couldn’t tell how much time had passed between me waking up and making this mocha, but I do know my sheer ennui had only grown fiercer with my lack of ideas. Looks like the window and I were both fighting losing battles.

A loud creak came from under my chair and I jumped. Still in a daze, I couldn’t tell if it was a mouse or just me leaning back too far.

Eight. That’s what the clock read, and that’s how many hours ago I told myself I was going to do things differently. Look at me go. It’s pretty pathetic, to call yourself an artist when you spend an hour staring at the paper and haven’t even managed to brainstorm an idea. I was more captivated by the development of my coffee. It started off stacked like vanilla pancakes on a brown divot. Now it was more like a hazy quagmire a sailor would have to navigate through.

* * *

“I can’t do it this way…” I said aloud to no one. My response was the rattling of the window and a precious gift hanging above my bed. I rushed to it in a panic but I ended up spilling my coffee. I fell on the floor too, but I felt that the coffee spilling was a more accurate teller of my mood.

But hey, on the bright side, the mocha didn’t burn and my pants managed to shield it from the carpet. Well, the not-burning thing didn’t help, since it was cold. At least I wasn’t facing the cold from outside.

I snatched my mug and brushed off my khakis. When I finally got up, I was relieved to see my treasure was alright. Mom’s painting didn’t look a day older since I last saw her.

Always keep that smile Tommy, you’re the light of their day.

Goosebumps rolled up my shoulders. I could never forget that piece, such a wonderful piece. The curvature of the hillside mimicking a crescent moon. The dark blades of grass, short but tall enough to taunt the trees above them. And the focal point of the picture: an orange circular monolith, pulling the ocean over itself like sheets and yet still imposing to the docks. It was a scene of wonder. Nature itself was being put to rest.

Fifteen after eight. How long had I been standing there? Regardless, I couldn’t waste this time on nothing. I draped the khakis over my chair and got right to work. My pencil was whirling fast. Like a miracle, an idea was starting to form. Circles. Hills. Mountains, I was drawing little humps in the sky. I’d never drawn contemporary art before. Or was that the kind I needed a paintbrush for? Who cares. Today might just be the day I prove myself.

Thomas! I need you boy!”

And, timely as usual, my symphony was cut short.

I grabbed some sweatpants from the closet and took a glance at my desk. Gray humps were definitely on the paper. But the shapes looked good for a first attempt. If I hurried, I’d be able to keep my artist’s high.

* * *

“Hey Chuck,” I said to Haroville’s number one tools-men. Cyrus Hartley, my uncle and the closest thing I had to an old-man. I stood at the bottom of the steps and saw him leaning by the lamppost in the hallway.

“Mornin’ Tom-boy. Thought I’d have to call you a couple times

But you came down right away.”

“Oh, well uh. Thought I’d do things differently this morning.” Almost.

“Well I’m glad you’re here. See, the Mayor’s phone line is still

down. I’ve been trying to ask him when we’d be getting those

supplies for the festival. You know he’s a busy guy. Can you run

this letter to em?”

Figures. The one time I expect to be productive, I get shelved with someone else’s work. Why couldn’t uncle Chuck handle this one himself?

“Sure Chuck. Leave it to me.”

“Knew I could count on ya boy.”

I’ve got to stop being such a pushover.

I got off the steps and grabbed a thermal off the coat rack. Chuck waltzed back into the garage. Unlike me, he was living the dream every day of his life. He probably went to build some new tables and lanterns for the Autumn Festival. It was a grand feast celebrated by the whole town on Thanksgiving. Haroville’s a pretty small and tight-knit community-town, so we can afford to throw such causal celebrations. Everyone knew everyone. Even when you leave, you always come back, the elders drilled into us when we were young. I spend a lot of time wondering what my friends off in college are doing. With all the parties and clubs they’re going to, do they ever think of home?

With my thermal on, I almost walked out the door before I realized that a scarf and hat weren’t a bad idea. I yanked my scarf from out the hall closet and grabbed my hat off its floor.

“Hey Chuck, whatcha workin’ on in there?” I asked. A snicker came from the garage.

“Nothing much boyo. Just polishing some tables for the festival. I

also made some figurines and other doohickeys.” A man in his element.

* * *

If this was what it was like windy, I couldn’t imagine what it’d be like in the snow. My face was cold even through my hat and bush of hair. I had to close my eyes half of the time just to block out the wind.

The three block walk to the mayor’s house felt like an eternity, yet I somehow made it alive. I stuck the letter in his mailbox and rang his doorbell. A vexing wind practically froze my fingers before I leaped to the wall for warmth. Winter really wanted to show itself huh?

Against the wall, I surveyed the area. Dry grass shivered in the wind. Atop the flagstone leading to the town square were autumn leaves blazed in yellows and reds. Despite the arduous cold builders were still building, protected only by their spring jackets. The oldest of them, Paul Jones, was drilling holes into four wooden rectangular pillars. Well, they weren’t really pillars. They were bent in the middle like a horse’s kneecaps.

Paul’s been a friend of uncle Chuck’s since before I was born, even though Paul was fifteen years younger than Chuck. They used to go hiking in the woods before Chuck’s back became a serious issue. Since then, Chuck mastered the art of wood craftsmanship and showed Paul what he knew.

Besides Paul, there was Henry and Gordon—the former being the father of my best friend—who were moving some marble columns into the town square. Jeffrey was giving instructions to the younger workers.

I could tell by the columns what this year’s festival theme was: Ancient Greece. I never knew much about the polity of Greece (probably shouldn’t have slept through social studies) but I’ve always been fascinated by its legends. The story of Icarus and Daedalus in particular tugged a few poignant strings. A young boy is locked away from the rest of the world. He’s completely innocent yet cannot live a normal life. And when he is finally set free, he’s corrupted by arrogance, leading to his untimely demise.

Daedalus was a renowned builder and was loved by all. Just like his father, Icarus had a lot of potential. But did he ever get to use it?

My mother didn’t always live in Haroville. She grew up in Philadelphia—a place I knew little about. But she said it was nice. She called it an artist’s city. Whether upper or lower class, everyone had a story to tell. That was why she was always inspired when she painted. Her older pieces were vibrant drawings of city buildings or multicultural communities in harmony. I guess it makes sense her style changed to be nature-esque once she moved here. Haroville was a small town in Pennsylvania, far from Philadelphia. So small that it wasn’t marked on a map.

The thing is though, how am I supposed to get all that artist experience if I never left this town? I never worked and Chuck insisted on providing for me in Mom’s honor. Despite this, he refused to pay for me to go college. He didn’t want me poisoned by “metro-pollutin’ education.” In reality, it was because he didn’t want me to leave Haroville. Could I do great things without reaching my full potential? Maybe I was destined to fall like Icarus.

A loud howl broke my train of thought. I jumped and bumped my head against the wall. That noise couldn’t have been the wind. It was too feral. I crept off the porch and looked left. My eyes were slit against the wind. If I wasn’t mistaken that was—

“Foxie! Oh Foxie, please don’t act up at this time of day!”

A snow white furball rushed past me. It was a dog, a great pyrenees. But I was more interested in that elegant, saccharine voice. I stuffed my hands into my pockets and leaned against a pillar.

She was half running before she saw me.

“Oh! Might that be Thomas? Thomas Hartley?” She huffed, gasping between each word. I cocked my head a bit. Play it cool. Don’t get frozen.

The chic lady that stood before me was Susie Clarke. The girl who I considered “the angel of Haroville” since childhood. Everything about her was ritzy and lavish. From the patterned victorian dresses she donned to the gems that lined her heels. It’s a wonder none of the guys who’ve crushed on her have offered her a brooch. I’ve never liked her for her looks though. It’s always been because of how different she was. Her rich parents moved here to live a quiet life. They weren’t rude or anything, just reserved. But Susie never minded mingling with us commoners. We’d always play with each other after she was done homeschool.

I got off the pillar and feigned a look of familiarity.

“…Well I’ll be. Might you be Susie Clarke?”

“Yes, I may. Do tell stranger, would you happen to know a young

man named Thomas? He appears quite similar to you. Only a tad

more petite.”

“Hmm… I’m not sure. There may not be a lot of people in this

town, but I don’t know any short people named Thomas. If it’s any

help though, my name is Thomas.”

“Goodness me. It is you! A thousand sorrows for not recognizing

you immediately. Haro-you-doing?”

“Heh, it’s fine. I’m—”

Before I knew it, I was wrapped in her tight embrace. Her soft, small hands pulled me into her warm body. Her breasts cushioned my abdomen. My heart fluttered, but I did not feel shy. I felt my temples heat as I smiled.

“I haven’t seen you in a long time.” I said.

She looked up. Her pursed lips warped into a soft smile.

“Aye, same to you. My parents have kept quite busy these last few

months. In fact, they’ve tried to keep me busy as well.”

She jumped off of me.

“Come! Let us attend Maximillian’s Eatery so we may converse

further!”

“Why, certainly—woah!” The playful angel snatched my arm and led the way.

* * *

The place that Susie was referring to was Maxwell’s Diner. It was a breakfast shop a guy named Maxwell used to run. Of course, that was back when grandpa was alive. While the new owners weren’t blood related they kept the name. The doughnuts were still fresh so I couldn’t complain.

As for why Susie talked how she did? I had no idea. Her parents spoke in higher diction than the rest of us but she was by no means British. The closest she has is the French from her mother, but her dad lived in America his whole life. No, Susie just loved to marvel at British culture. I think she visited the UK once for a birthday. But was she obsessed with their diction before or after? One of the world’s great mysteries…

I pulled the cool door open for Susie and observed the outside of the building. The walls were such a brilliant shade of pink that I couldn’t help but notice them every time. The beauty wasn’t just the paint color, it was the spacing between each individual paint molecule. Some specks were whitish-pink, which were placed between the more common strawberry milk clumps of color. Even rarer than the whitish-pink were the red dots sprinkled amid the surface. The texture was pliable, spongey, feelable from a distance. Its pink corners could wrap around a wrist twice like a towel and tug. Atop the building was an aluminum cutout of a white-red checkered plate holding a coffee mug. Chuck used to get free coffee here for making that cutout.

I stepped in the warm diner and sat across from Susie. The air inside was still. Unyielding. Calm compared to the gusts outside. It was pleasant. We found cozy window seats. She smiled at me lightly.

“Aren’t you worried about Foxie?” I asked as I picked up a menu.

“Oh, he’s a feisty one. Always avoiding long hellos. I give him a

hug and try to comb his hair and what does he do? Storms

through our front gate. Poor Edna hadn’t a chance to keep him

calm.”

“Man, that’s rough. But, y’know, isn’t someone going to have to

pick him up?”

“Oh, that? Hah, he’s a guard dog, he’ll be fine.”

That’s Susie for you. Scared to death one moment, happy as can be the next. I let out a laugh while browsing the breakfast options. Eggs benedict? Omelet? Grits with apple sausage? Tough call to make… which one best stimulates the mind?

“Have you decided on a meal Thomas?”

“I’m mulling over it…”

“Hah! That’s amusing. I’ve already decided what I shall

dine on.”

Timed to a tee, a server was making her way over to our table. Eggs benedict it is. Maybe the paprika would sharpen my perception.

“And how’d you decide so quickly?” I asked. She flashed her teeth in blithe.

“I’ve been thinking about Haroville since the moment I left.”

Hi Thomas,” the waitress, Margaret, said.

“I haven’t seen you here in a spell. And it looks like you brought company.” She glanced at Susie and then looked back at me. A smirk formed on her lips. I need not say a word. Margaret’s been around long enough to know how we young people operate. I could almost see my cheeks grow red.

“How’s the family business Suz? That father of yours can never

seem to stop talking about bonds. Bonds bonds bonds. You know

that banking talk has always been beyond me.”

“Father is doing quite alright. It’s become less difficult for me to

understand his terminology. Though that doesn’t make it much

easier to keep track of the family wealth. I think he’s losing faith

in me.”

I frowned. Mr. Clarke was a dignified man, but I could never see the same humanism in him that I saw in Chuck. Even Susie’s mom has always been supportive of her. That’s probably why she adapted to the piano so easily. I wish I tried to become an artist sooner. Maybe then my mom could have taught me before she…

“Don’t even think such nonsense, dear,” Margaret said with passion.

“If anyone can balance all that money, it’s you. I’d like to say

Mayor Johnson, but he’d donate all of it to kitty charities before

he put it in savings.”

“I’d much like to donate it all.” Susie replied, her eyes downcast.

“Life is much more carefree here than in those bustling streets

of New York. I’d tend to a pig before a car any day.”

“Hey, hey, don’t let those eyes droop now, hear?” Margaret said.

“I refuse to see you sad, especially after you’ve been gone so

long. If it makes you feel better, I’ll cut the price of your meal.

Thomas is still paying though.”

She poked me in the forehead with her pen and the two laughed at my jolt. I shook my head, roused from a daydream, and made a playful scowl at Margaret who winked at me. At least Susie was better.

“So, what can I get you two?” Margaret asked. She wore a baby blue maid outfit with a cute strawberry red ribbon on her hairband. It’s the simple things that stick out the most.

“I’ll take eggs benedict,” I said

“Side of crisp bacon. And I’ll have some coffee. Only a pinch of

sugar, half a tablespoon of maple syrup… and as much milk as

you want. No cream.”

“You realize half a tablespoon is a teaspoon yes?” Susie asked.

I shrugged wryly. “She’ll know what I mean.”

“And you doll?” Our jovial waitress asked.

“Oh, of course,” Susie started. “I’ll have quiche lorraine.

For on the go, I’ll have fried cheese biscuits and caramel

bonbons.”

My eyes lit up at that. How could I forget Susie’s favorite food? Her mother would make bonbons whenever guests came over. When we were kids, Henry Jr, Link and I would race to see who could scarf down the most. But on Susie’s birthday it was futile; birthday girl always kept the leftovers.

“Okay. Your orders are coming right up,” Margaret said as she walked back behind the counter.

I turned to Susie. She was inspecting the bracelet she wore on her wrist.

“You haven’t eaten those in ages Susie,” I said.

“Which? The Quiche? I’ve decided to take a break from my

diet in honor of—”

“No silly. The bonbons.”

Her eyes flashed in recollection.

“You remember eating those all the way from

childhood?” I asked.

“Why, of course I do silly. They’ve always been a favorite of mine.

Mother used to eat them when she was young as well. Dessert

worthy of a princess she always told me. How elegant.”

I paused after she spoke. A familiar awkwardness began to nip at my tongue. The same kind that a child feels when he’s knocked over his mother’s porcelain vase and has to explain the mess he’s made. Did she remember the bonbons the same way I did? Or was me holding onto those childhood memories just another way to cope from the present?

Besides Susie, all my friends were gone. Gabriel was on tour most of the year with his rock band. Henry Jr. was pursuing an English degree and Link was still undecided from what he said on the phone a few weeks ago. Either way, they got to travel while I struggled with my craft. I’d hate to leave Susie, but if I didn’t finish my drawing soon my spark might fade away again.

“How long will you be able to stay in town?” I asked her.

“Oh, I know not. Father is taking the holiday off, thus he bade me

permission to visit. Likely after the Autumn Festival ends I’ll be

required back to my post. Purveyor of Wall Street.”

Susie let out a tired sigh. It sounded like the yawn of a tired puppy. She glanced out the window. This was the perfect time to say something to impress her. I put a hand to my chin, searching the letterbox of my mind for words to cheer her up. Then she whipped her head at me with a full faced smile.

“How about you, Thomas? Any exciting developments?”

That caught me off guard. I wanted to say something profound, that I was helping Chuck with his tools or I’d gone hiking with Paul. But I’ve been wholly consumed by my craft.

“Well… not really. Life has been pretty same-old same-old since

you left. I’ve been practicing more with my art. Meticulously

drawing—well, thinking more than drawing, but making an effort

to capture Mom’s style.”

“Ah, Eunice Hartley. A blessed woman. Her artisan spirit shines on

Haroville to this day.”

“Yes, my mother was something…”

The chilly winds from outside were no longer audible. Gray light from the clouds poured through the windows. Inside the diner I grew quite hot. Sweat formed on my forehead. Forearm hairs stood on end. The cold nervosity I usually felt around Susie was gone. In its place was a solemn stone, it weighed upon my chest. My hand wanted to reach for Susie’s, to feel its soft comfort. I could almost grasp it, but fear held me back.

“Thomas,” Susie said. “Lift your eyes. Eunice would be

proud of who you are. You’re insightful, you’re kind. The town

simply wouldn’t be the same without you.”

The heat was rising. I started to choke on my own throat.

“But that’s just it, isn’t it?” I said. “Haroville relies on me. I’ve

never left. Gabriel and Link and Henry Jr., they’re all out there

building their lives. Even your father has promised you a future.

My mother was the best mentor of all, and she had a life outside

this town. I didn’t, and she isn’t here to help me anymore.”

Susie’s eyes widened, but she didn’t look shocked. She looked concerned, like she was trying to see me better. To see the redness in my eyes, the tears beginning to form. She put her hand on mine.

“Tell me more about your mother.”

I took a deep breath. Then another, very deep. I inhaled through my nose, pulling in coffee-smell, furniture scent and all the micro-particles in the cool air. Would the cool air cool my hot body? And what of the particles I inhaled? What effect do millions of tiny atoms have on the body? Even if I couldn’t feel it, my insides must be having some sort of reaction to them. I exhaled, and made a hard blink. The tears decided to retreat back into their glands. Feeling a bit more calm, I met Susie’s gaze.

“You know my mom. Everyone did, even your parents. She had

a wide, peaceful aura. Something about her was magic, because

as soon as she moved here everyone was her friend. Maybe it

was her smile. Growing up I’ve never seen her without that gentle,

empathetic smile. Her eyes were always narrow, watching the

world dreamily, as if whatever she was looking at, she was looking

at it with love. I didn’t realize I wanted to draw until she was gone.

I took her for granted, and I face the consequence of that every

day, every time I pick up a pencil. Every time I think about my

future.”

Susie pressed hard on my fingers, maintaining her gaze. She’d imbue rays of positivity into me if she could. Mom would do something similar.

The last time I saw her was when she was headed to Grandpa’s funeral. Though he often came to Haroville to visit us, he lived in Philadelphia like Mom once had. That night it was pouring rain. The only thing audible other than the incessant pattering was the roaring car engine. A townsman named Tobias was going to drive Mom to a bus station a few miles away. I watched her from behind the town gate, my 9-year-old body getting pelted by rain. She sat her suitcase in the backseat. She lingered for a moment, then turned to face me. I was outside strictly against her orders—I should have been home sleeping while uncle Chuck watched me. But I didn’t need an alibi. It was a dark and stormy night and my mother was going away. That was reason enough to be scared.

I waited for her to shout, to lecture me in that rhetorical question way she always did. Instead she beckoned to me. I ran to her, hugging her in my soaked clothes. She shielded me with her umbrella. I told her not to leave because if she did something bad would happen. Perhaps it was just childhood fear. Or maybe I was precocious beyond my years. Regardless, I still felt relief when she said told me it was okay. That it was just a little rain, and she would paint a picture of grandpa when she returned. She gave me her umbrella and told me to go home and get a good night’s rest. I obeyed her command. Unbeknownst to me, halfway to their destination the car hydroplaned and veered into a tree. Paul found them two weeks later during one of his hikes. It was too late. Their bodies were bloody with glass and twigs. The town was already in a frenzy, thinking she was kidnapped in the city, but she hadn’t even made it there. The town doctor examined them and determined they could have lived had they been discovered earlier.

Food’s here!” Margaret said, with a wide toothed smile.

My voice was caught in some miasma between chipperness and resignation.

“Ah, timely as usual.”

Susie kept her fingers wrapped around mine. I exhaled, beginning to feel some peace.

“Thank you Margaret.” Susie said, smiling.

“Of course dearie. Eat up.” She said, walking away.

* * *

“I take it my companion is enjoying his meal?”

I was eating fervently, carving my poached eggs into bits with fork and knife, skewering them to my fork along with bacon and munching it all down. Between forkfuls I’d take a bite out my english muffin drenched in warm, thick hollandaise sauce. The breakfast was absolutely scrumptious. It was the sort of meal that caused one to stop thinking completely, focusing solely on the prickly sensation atop the taste buds. A meal so magnificent that I almost didn’t hear Susie’s question. So enraptured I was, I had to let my tongue absorb the last of the static before I attempted to answer her.

“Sorry,” I said, swallowing the muffin. “Food’s too good.”

She laughed amicably.

“I see. Trouble you I shan’t during such a hearty meal.”

Her plate was aside, quiche half eaten next to a bag of cheese biscuits and bonbons. Margaret would bring the bill and an extra container momentarily.

“You’re so passionate Thomas,” Susie blurted.

“Your zest for life is powerful. An aura felt from miles away.

It isn’t aimless, it’s concentrated. I’ve admired you since

childhood. The myriad of stories you would tell, the adventures

we went on. You want to draw. But as you say, you’re a

caged bird in this town. Even if it is a beautiful town.

Beautiful people.”

My heart dropped. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.

“You never attended university. You’ve been here all this time. I

sometimes felt guilty those years I was away, learning of the

world while you tended to gardens. But I don’t feel bad

anymore, because your passion is still with you. You’ll get your

chance Thomas. You’ll be able to travel and draw to your

heart’s content.”

I was speechless. Susie was always upbeat and optimistic. To hear that I inspired her, when her attitude is what kept me going… A glow grew inside me.

“I… thank you, Susie.”

“Aye, of course friend. I thought it pertinent to remind you of

your self worth. You musn’t let your troubles define you. You

must be defined by your rise above those troubles.”

Wordlessly, Margaret sat the bill and a container on the table. I began signing it while Susie scooped her leftovers into the container. True to her word, Margaret cut the price in half.

“Thomas, the babysitter is taking the holiday off next week and…

you know the ordeal with my parents and I. Always moving.

Keeping up appearances. Might I trouble you to watch over

sweet little Edna?”

I almost chuckled. It was quite amusing Susie didn’t ask me to watch Foxie, who was always addled by something, always abandoning his guardpost, while Edna needed a babysitter when she was the most obedient child in the world.

“Of course Susie, no trouble at all. Your sister’s so calm and

generous.”

“Oh friend, I thank you. I am in your debt.”

We parted ways, Susie left to visit the townsfolk who’ve yet to hear of her return. I was heading home. Next week I’d go to Susie’s mansion to babysit Edna. Now, I was going to recapture my flow. My artist’s high.

We Fight Beside Clothing Racks

Origin of This Piece:

Modifying prose isn’t the only way to create noteworthy fiction. Yes, plain style with its mostly simple sentences differs heavily from grand style, which is used in speeches, or purple prose, which imitates poetry. The format of a story, be it traditional or something unique, like a letter (epistolary fiction), effects the reading experience just as much if not more than syntax.

In my fall 2020 semester, I wrote a story in my usual middle-sometimes-purple style, but tried something new and used the format of reference fiction. It mimics an encyclopedia.

The title of this story comes from one of my favorite books: Chemistry by Weike Wang. On page 52, she uses the line, “Still we fight beside clothing racks.” It’s a metaphor for a couple; they are arguing but not seeing one another. The fight is obscured. Intentions are misunderstood.


What it Looks Like

SUNDAY

            Before she can even reach the kitchen, she is reached to by the hand of the memories. Stubby. Recent and innocent, like a baby, like the one she will bear in some months. The three of them were talking an hour ago: her, her husband, and the little one, stirring inside her. Her husband had insisted on doing the dishes, saying she should rest after cleaning all Saturday. She had been eating a sandwich and laughed between bites. He joked that with all the baby clothes she had bought, she was too ready to be a mother, and she said he’d become a helicopter dad before he knew it.

           She is returning to the kitchen to munch on some Oreos. She deserves to treat herself. She walks on the carpet she vacuumed smooth yesterday and walks past the couch she dusted. But when she enters the dining room, her husband calls out to her from the bedroom. He asks, politely, can she iron his dress shirt? She smiles. He’s just woken from a nap, and she remembers that he’s got an important brunch at work tomorrow. She assures him his clothes will be ready, and she fetches his best shirt to iron for him.

P a g e | 2

What it Really Is

SUNDAY

           She walks atop the clutter at this point. Her head is in that daze again, responsibilities flickering by like stills from film tape, responsibilities flickering by and she can latch on to none of them, she’s stressed again, she can feel another one coming on: a panic attack. Her breaths hasten because the crumbs she vacuumed off the carpet yesterday and the clothes pile she had folded this morning have reverted back to their sickly forms. In an environment like this, where urine reeks from behind the toilet and kitchen grease clings to the walls in the living room,  where she is the only one who acknowledges habits need to be changed, how can she raise a baby?

           She slumps against the kitchen wall, desperate for something to ease her mind. She whips her head to the right. All that remains in the cupboard: a nearly empty box of Oreos. She palms a few.

           But before she can chew them, her husband shouts, Can you iron somethin’ for me? I’ve got a brunch with the guys at work tomorrow.

P a g e | 3

MONDAY

            “I was checking the inboxes, like she asked me to. Then she went around and told Charles I abandoned his assignment. When she’s the co-supervisor. What kinda nonsense—!”

            And as she talked, Rosie saw the sadness creep on Daniel’s face. Deep wrinkles eked along his aged forehead; maggots, she called them when she was mad. But she wasn’t mad, no. Not in this moment. She was yelling but she, too, was sad, and Daniel, seeing this sadness, grew mad, mad with a rage that glowed from his squinted eyes, but he didn’t burst, he wouldn’t explode, he just nodded, awaiting a chance to speak, to assuage his ailing wife, knowing that helping her is better than vengeance towards her coworker.

            “That girl is twenty years than me. She should show some respect. Don’t you agree dear?”

            And she could tell that her words had torn Daniel. He never liked to see her so worked up, but he knew he had to give her space to express herself.

            And so he agreed.

P a g e | 4

MONDAY

            And as Rosemarie talked, Daniel’s frustration nearly boiled over. He didn’t process a word of her ranting. Instead, he perused her weaknesses. How many times had he pleaded with her to just get another job? He had lost count. Paul and Aaron fled as soon as they reached adulthood; they didn’t visit unless they were certain she was using a vacation day. From a young age they learned to pity their mother. If it wasn’t because she was overloaded with spreadsheets, it was the coworkers nitpicking behind her back. The common denominator? Sitting in a cubicle surrounded by a bunch of jerks.

            He didn’t feel the tight folding of skin on his forehead, but the growing tears stung his eyes. Rosemarie dug her elbows into her thighs, gripping her chin between her palms. She was shouting something or other. She would lose that songlike voice of hers, the one that elicited the smile of passersby. So often, strangers would greet her like a dear friend.

           Why not apply to be a flight attendant? You would make a great stewardess. Or you could go back and get your degree, become a physical therapist. Daniel had made many pleas to her over the years. She had just waved them off. By choice or by accident, Rosemarie had been groomed to key excel sheets and do customer service.

            A “Don’t you agree dear?” broke his train of thought.

            With a dense sigh, he nodded.

P a g e | 5

SATURDAY

            Date night! But we’re not like other couples. Hubby and me watch bad movies. It’s so fun! Last time, we watched The Last Airbender. Cute kid, but his arrow wasn’t even blue. And they called him “Ahngh,” like a weird grunt or something.

            Tonight we watched Independence Day: Resurgence. Boy was that crappy! The blonde scientist guy, getting probed by the floating robotic ball. What were those writers thinking? I think I waited the whole movie to see Will Smith, but all we got was his discount son, looked nothing like the real dude.

P a g e | 14

SATURDAY

           We were supposed to host a movie night with friends. And… the idea was to watch something that we both would like… But of course that never happens. He always talks over me and we ended up watching the worst movie of the 2010s. He’s got this penchant for shitty movies, it irks me to no end. I couldn’t just come out and tell people that though, tell them he made all the decisions in the relationship. So “why not,” I said, and said I wanted to watch it, and told the gang watching bad movies was something we always did. I think my act was pretty convincing, though everyone left before the climax. I was stuck watching the rest with him. They ate all the popcorn, he devoured the nachos and salsa, and there were no hoagies left to eat. We sat on that couch til the last credits line scrolled by, at 2:13 AM.

P a g e | 15

CHRISTMAS

            We sit at an orange and beige checkered table, the light from stained glass descending behind us. Glossy and pink, the marble floor glows.

           I knew Jasmine wasn’t in the mood for Chinese, and she falls into depressions during the Christmas season, so I stepped up and brought her here: El Vino de Reyes.

           We pick up our menus. A plastic flap covers the text; surrounding the items are clumps of crimson dust fixed into shapes, like flowers and stars.

           Each waiter who passes us nods and says, Cómo estáis? Finally, we can feel not broke! Jasmine loves it… I know she does. The way she beams at me as I fork bits of salad; the mirth with which she stirs her quinoa; the knife’s ding on her plate as she cuts slices of flan.

           Her grimace had faded, and she stopped looking out at the holiday lights and snowy Christmas tree across the street. This was our time.

P a g e | 16

CHRISTMAS

            I love Jasmine, and I know she’s an atheist, but she couldn’t be bothered to spend this night with me and my parents. I tried to hide my disappointment. She was too elated to pay attention. We both love Spanish food, so El Vino de Reyes was the perfect place to cheer her up. Pricey, but “Chipotle doesn’t cut it,” she had frequently reminded me.

            The holiday season thrusts her into depressions. Usually, her jokes brought light to my day, but when she’s like this I must be the one who does the shoulder carrying.

           Maybe this is a good thing. My parents never understood Jasmine’s eccentricities. They’re still baffled I married an atheist. “You can’t choose who you fall in love with,” I told them.

            Every so often, she looks up from her sugary quinoa. Her smile is radiant. I try to enjoy my paella, but I can’t help but think of the agony my wallet’s going to suffer once the bill arrives.

P a g e | 17

To Although With Haste

Charlie boards the train. She does not know where she is going. To exit the cavern of the subway requires exiting the car of the train, which can only be accomplished by escaping the catacombs of her mind.

She slumps on her bookbag. Tunnel lights strobe-light past, and at each flash Charlie winces. To although with haste, she is thinking. To be the contrarian instead of the pacifist. What does that require?

The Central Street train’s passengers are sparse today. Across from Charlie are three empty seats, and beside those empty seats are more empty seats. She thinks she saw a mother and two kids at the car’s beginning. Where is the father? Busy at work? No. More likely he wasn’t in the mood to watch the kids, so he pawned off another job to his wife, feigning gratitude, and she, lovingly obliged to her husband, never thought to protest. Never thought what she wanted.

The train passes a few stops. People board, people exit. Charlie realizes she cannot stay in this ennui forever. Not even if she wanted to. But how to remember? Rage remembers.

In rage she could remember his wrinkled brow, mirth leaking from his cheeks as his curled lips uttered “That won’t be necessary.” He skirted through the door she held open for him, his friends already seated in the car. She only had time to say “Okay, have fun tonight.” He was in good spirits that day. But many lonely nights prior she stood by his side, taking in his sadness and emptying her spirits to fill his soul. She was his Dasani bottle. Pristine at first, reused for years for various drinks, never washed, accumulating pulp and sludge, the plastic crumpled, and only used when necessary.

But when sunbeams inevitably cleansed her, she’d wave to him in passing, her mind still trained in the habit of politeness.

What would have happened if she had acted differently? In the first place, that would require her physio-psycho-framework be entirely different. From birth she would need to be constructed with cells of bravery, not timidity. Her fingers would need to be longer, her pointer finger jagged like a knife to add emphasis to her “No.” She would be 1 ft and 1 in taller, so her weight would distribute evenly on her hips, instead of guys telling her she was a lop-sided cupcake. When she spoke her voice would echo, would shove the chest of listeners, so they would know to stand back and pay attention. As it was currently, he talked over her frequently.

She would need thicker hair to impress other women and boost her ego. She would need confidence in her bones, so her body type wouldn’t matter; what would matter was bringing her body wherever she wanted and using it to do whatever she wanted. Had she had these things, things would have been different. But just what would the different be? “No, I’m coming with you,” Charlie could have said. But then he would have made fun of her. He’d call her that word she didn’t like, that all men used as a hose to put women in order.

The train slows to a stop she does not know, so she disembarks. Charlie exits the station, crosses a roofed bridge, descends some stairs, and arrives at a dock. She walks to the edge of the planks and sits, lets her legs dangle. To her left and right are boats of various shapes and sizes. They bobbed peacefully atop the water. The green water. What dirt, seaweed, or life shuttled around in the depths? Charlie could only imagine. In the distance is a jet ski which leaves ripples that travel all the way to her. She’d like to be as free as that jet ski.

What will she do about this listlessness? Optimism had yet to return to her. Perhaps she could dive in for a swim; exercise this ennui away. Or maybe. Journaling could help, though she’d have to fetch a used math or science notebook out her bag; that should suffice, but what if she forgot to tear out the page and she went to class the next day to have a classmate invade her thoughts? Even her dorm-mate could raid her belongings in search of math notes and discover deeply personal words.

So she dares to voice her problems aloud. To herself on this serene dock amid solemn emotions she gives each of her demons form so she can crush them. Her voice rises and falls and ends each sentence with the cut of a dagger. Why should he and other men and women and old ladies accost her, criticize her, ostracize her, knowing she’s generally obedient? Why be obedient? Be the contrarian, she says to herself. Start scuffles for no reason, just to prove dominance. At every opportunity, say “I’d agree with you, BUT…” Especially to him. Embarrass him in front of his friends. Let them see the marshmallow hide you’ve nursed back to health. Let them see HIS tears and flailing arms as he squeals and scampers back to the barn, snorting. Charlie would say, “I used to love him, although he’s quite a pig.”

Construction Variations #1: To ___ Is To ___

Five Examples of the Preset Pattern’s Variations

(1.

Ah, young pupil. To fail is to improve. No artist gets it right on the first try.

(2.

To feel the frigid winds whilst dangling upside-down by bungee cord’s half-inch thread is to feel every victory and mishap, every warm tear and cold kiss, every memory rush in and out of consciousness within seconds.

(3.

Eh, whaddya gonna do? “To love is to lose” or somethin’, amiright?

(4.

To slip in my pronunciation of that single syllable for two seconds in that thirty-minute speech is basically to pee my pants in a $400 dollar blazer.

(5.

To run outside but get stung by bees anyway is to be 10, free, and alive…! Now I let the bees sting me and don’t protest.

Watch Closely,

Or in other words, watch actively. Don’t skim over the details; inhale them all like you do the molecules necessary for your breath. Look between the lines, or at them, whether on the micro or macro. Let the work seep into the pores of your mind, smooth as chamomile tea—warm, thick—redolent of honey, milk, and calm. It swishes in your brain, a ready jug, til it’s replete and dripping like a sponge. Soaked in idea, you can properly now give opinions on art.


Last year I took an art class and learned something I never want to forget. All my life I’ve been a writer from a family of painters and sketch artists. My most impressive drawings were some stick figure fights I did as a kid. Thus, throughout my semester, my art was outmatched by my peers who had years more experience than me. I could barely draw a still life of a chair and a cardboard box. Meanwhile, the blonde beside me who claimed her work had room for improvement had practically sculpted a rocking horse, its legs polygonal boulders, its jaw obround, its mane flowing in the wind.

Of course, though they were all talented, there was a skill hierarchy among my classmates. A brunette from across the room was excellent at point perspective, but when we got to drawing people, her human faces looked like horses. I felt that pity you feel when you realize someone’s just as bad as you are. And yet, her confidence remained unassailable. Brighter even. Matt, our professor, led us all around to examine each other’s works. When we reached the horse-human drawing, my classmate was flooded by a shower of compliments—genuine compliments. My head jerked back in surprise as she received “Nice shading!” “You did a great job on the nose,” “The angles are short, crisp, tidy.” The portrait was blatantly terrible, yet the genuine strengths mentioned were simply glossed over by my mind. Initially, I only gave her piece a glance, but my classmates had stared at it for minutes.

A different class session, I was making a drawing using charcoal, which is much more finicky than pencil. I had no shame in complaining to Matt, recounting how bad at drawing I was or how much I didn’t know. After all, I was a beginner in a class full of the advanced. In response he asked me, smug, attempting to coax an epiphany, “But just what is a bad drawing anyway?” which is the most cliché line I’ve heard uttered by a human being, but it made me realize something. Even those things which seem to lack detail, seem amateurish even, have strengths not immediately discernible. Whether drawing or writing, whether beginner or advanced, you’ll catch something you didn’t notice before if you watch closely.